Sunday, 8 May 2016

Why Mother's Day no longer haunts me...


For the past five years, I dreaded this day of the year. When the whole world went gaga updating their selfies with moms on social media, I preferred being unsocial on Mother's day. No outdoors, no social media, no calls, no people. While solitary confinement would be too strong a word to describe my day, I came a tad close by hiding under my shell.

Five years ago, I too used to celebrate this day like most people of my age. Mother's Day meant writing a poem each year for mom, which would get Ganga Jamuna flowing from her eyes; cooking something special for mom, which made her proud and feel sad at the same time thinking her little daughter was fast growing up. While she was at our service 24X7, 365 days of the year, Mother's Day was a good excuse to convince her for the faciaI that was subject to her endless procrastinating. Life was full of happiness and security, for mom shielded me like an umbrella and kept me safe.

Then one day, a storm came and blew my umbrella away. Just like that, God decided to have my mom's company in heaven. The meaning of Mother's Day changed overnight. From a day of celebrations, it became a day that reminded me of the void in my life. Social media played the biggest spoilsport. When I saw friends updating their status and uploading pics with their mom, my vision blurred with tears. "Why God chose to take away MY mom?" I kept asking myself! The answer is still pending when I have a tete a tete with the almighty someday. 

The more I tried to run away, the more it chased me. When my hubby's siblings dropped in to convey my mom in law Mother's Day wishes, I swallowed a lump in my throat. While I would be all smiles in front of them, to not spoil their day, I would sneak out to some moments of solitude and memories.

My sisters were still lucky. They had their own kids to the fill the void created by mom's absence. Theirs were the only calls I received, and they always told me to remember the good times and cherish the moments I got to spend with mom. 

Last year's Mother's Day however, was different. I was in the 8th month of my pregnancy and when my sister called me and asked, "So, do you feel something different this Mother's Day?" I was quick to say, "Yeah, A Hell Lot Of Kicks!!!"

"The glass is half full" mom often said. 

This year, Mother's Day finds its place back in my life. I am a mother to a 10 month old angel, who is the Sun of my solar system. Though he is too small to even understand the meaning of Mother, he definitely is a master at expressing affection; especially when he wants to go out for a walk! 

Whether mom is back or not, I don't know. But motherhood surely is back in my life, and in a beautiful new Avtar. I will continue to miss mom each day, each moment. However, the journey as a mother gives me a chance to live my mom's life and try to fill her great shoes.

My Mother's Day gift? What better than waking up to my 10 month old kicking me and saying "Umumumum....mumummah"



9 comments:

  1. The vacuum left by a mom can never get filled up.

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    1. Yes, it never ever can be filled.

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  2. Thank u so much Shaivi for this cathartic post. Now I realized , why I was feeling so cranky, upset, depressed, bottled up and all ready to burst at the Bio-oil YummyMummy event. Happy Mother's Day. Your son is so lucky to have a charming & lovely mother like you. May God bless your family.

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    1. Its alright Sujata. I can totally understand how you feel. Hope your health is better now.

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  3. The void in your life cannot be filled but I am sure your son is going to fill your life with happiness. Cheers to all the forthcoming Mother's Days in your life.

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  4. This is such a touching post.
    I lost my mother when I was 12. So, I could relate to each and everything that you mentioned in this post. Somewhere deep down my heart, I also feel that when I'll become a mother, I will get over that grief to some extent. Beautifully expressed dear. Lots of good wishes :)

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